i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
