you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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