i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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