he was CRYING into my vagina
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
