I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
