There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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