Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
