I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
