Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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