How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
