I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
