peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
