I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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