Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
