Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
