I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
