the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
