How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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