i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
