Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
