Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
