halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
