My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
