just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
