My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
