i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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