I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
