FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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