I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
