It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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