My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He felt like a one man threesome
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
