So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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