my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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