Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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