i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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