It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My day in three words: secret purse cake
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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