Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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