last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
