I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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