Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
