Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
In America we eat man semen.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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