I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
