You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
