Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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