Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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