Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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