DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
