You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
