Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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