It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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