i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
