Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Randomize
