Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
