id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
