All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
