this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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