I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
