If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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