On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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