I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
