I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
are you so shy because you have an std?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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