just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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