I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
