I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
