I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
