I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
