theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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